I like the concept of godly friendship as an antidote to immorality. It is interesting that in the tradition I grew up in, there was a strong suggestion that men and women (besides spouses and seriously dating couples) couldn’t be friends because of the temptation to sexual immorality. I remember reaching a certain age and my mother started moving me away from my childhood male friends to girl friends only— probably related to this as well. I began to see a lot of males as somehow dangerous and scary. You see this a lot in certain cultures where the women must separate themselves from male contact and completely cover themselves up to “protect themselves”or live in very sex segregated spheres of life.
It is interesting to me that a lot of sexual misconduct and perversity seems to thrive in environments with a lot of sex segregation and strict gender roles and restrictions (although certainly not limited to it!). Everyone seems on edge and sees the opposite sex as a liability— something that one must go to great lengths to protect themselves against. As a woman who came of age in the purity culture, it is insane to think about the heavy burdens placed on young women to “protect men from lust” and “protect themselves” from sexual temptation or getting assaulted. Basically don’t be attractive to men and you won’t have any problems… 🙄
I wonder how this tendency in many churches shapes our responses to clergy misconduct… or enables it?
While not without its flaws (some rather significant as your experience attests), the purity culture is correct at least in one thing. In a fallen world, the nature friendship between men and women has been grievously wounded. Unfortunately, purity culture response to this by offering young men and women a narrow view of chastity and by working to instill fear of the opposite sex.
Years ago, I had a conversation with a college mental health counselor whose Evangelical college largely bought into the purity culture. She told me the agreement the college made with parents was "you send us a virgin, we graduate a virgin."
Bad as this was for the undergraduates, they also heard a message that everything that was forbidden as sinful was permitted after marriage. "And so kids get married and go from 'A-frame' hugs and hand holding to 'anything goes' without the emotional or social maturity they need." This caused no end of unhappy and failed marriages among young people who "did everything right."
Again, in a fallen world, the relationship between men and women has been damaged. While we try and put a good face on it, apart from the robust practice of chastity I mentioned here, this damage remains unhealed.
It is a bit of a cliche to say that rape isn't about sex but power. This is true as far as it goes. Theologically, however, apart from chastity, marriage, and monastic life, sex is about power (on this, first wave feminists were correct).
And Purity culture?At best, it is misguided. At worst, I think it is is simply a lightly "Christianized" version of justifying sex as an exercise of power.
I'm not sure how widespread are the instances of clergy sexual misconduct. And while the increased scrutiny is at least in part motivated by a certain "gotcha" anti-religious mindset, I think we would do well to see current events as God call to the Church to reclaim our own tradition of chastity and friendship.
I like the concept of godly friendship as an antidote to immorality. It is interesting that in the tradition I grew up in, there was a strong suggestion that men and women (besides spouses and seriously dating couples) couldn’t be friends because of the temptation to sexual immorality. I remember reaching a certain age and my mother started moving me away from my childhood male friends to girl friends only— probably related to this as well. I began to see a lot of males as somehow dangerous and scary. You see this a lot in certain cultures where the women must separate themselves from male contact and completely cover themselves up to “protect themselves”or live in very sex segregated spheres of life.
It is interesting to me that a lot of sexual misconduct and perversity seems to thrive in environments with a lot of sex segregation and strict gender roles and restrictions (although certainly not limited to it!). Everyone seems on edge and sees the opposite sex as a liability— something that one must go to great lengths to protect themselves against. As a woman who came of age in the purity culture, it is insane to think about the heavy burdens placed on young women to “protect men from lust” and “protect themselves” from sexual temptation or getting assaulted. Basically don’t be attractive to men and you won’t have any problems… 🙄
I wonder how this tendency in many churches shapes our responses to clergy misconduct… or enables it?
Christ is Risen!
While not without its flaws (some rather significant as your experience attests), the purity culture is correct at least in one thing. In a fallen world, the nature friendship between men and women has been grievously wounded. Unfortunately, purity culture response to this by offering young men and women a narrow view of chastity and by working to instill fear of the opposite sex.
Years ago, I had a conversation with a college mental health counselor whose Evangelical college largely bought into the purity culture. She told me the agreement the college made with parents was "you send us a virgin, we graduate a virgin."
Bad as this was for the undergraduates, they also heard a message that everything that was forbidden as sinful was permitted after marriage. "And so kids get married and go from 'A-frame' hugs and hand holding to 'anything goes' without the emotional or social maturity they need." This caused no end of unhappy and failed marriages among young people who "did everything right."
Again, in a fallen world, the relationship between men and women has been damaged. While we try and put a good face on it, apart from the robust practice of chastity I mentioned here, this damage remains unhealed.
It is a bit of a cliche to say that rape isn't about sex but power. This is true as far as it goes. Theologically, however, apart from chastity, marriage, and monastic life, sex is about power (on this, first wave feminists were correct).
And Purity culture?At best, it is misguided. At worst, I think it is is simply a lightly "Christianized" version of justifying sex as an exercise of power.
I'm not sure how widespread are the instances of clergy sexual misconduct. And while the increased scrutiny is at least in part motivated by a certain "gotcha" anti-religious mindset, I think we would do well to see current events as God call to the Church to reclaim our own tradition of chastity and friendship.
Thanks for your comment!
In Christ,
FrG